The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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A Day To Eat!

Posted by thedarwinexception on November 23, 2006

Today is Thanksgiving! Happy Thanksgiving all!. It’s Paul’s favorite holiday – mostly because he
gets to eat. Paul loves food. And he can really show his appreciation. Paul eats more in one day than some small countries, even when it’s not Thanksgiving. I kid you not. Paul is one of those people who was born prematurely – because he was hungry, I think. And he’ll tell you he’s Native American, which he is, but what he won’t
tell you is that he belongs to that famous tribe the Chip A Hoys. Known for their ability to eat an entire bag of cookies in a single sitting. But if you ask him –
he’ll tell you he hardly ever eats. Because, of course, so many categories of food for him “don’t count”.

It doesn’t count if you don’t eat the food at home. When Paul takes a break at work and goes to McDonald’s – that doesn’t count. He hasn’t eaten,
since it was “away from home”.  And don’t ever take Paul to McDonald’s or any other “fast food” restaurant – unless you take a wad of cash. Paul’s McDonald’s orders sound like a telephone number – “I’ll have a 5-3-4-6-1-3-9”. When we go to McDonald’s, I always take along our good china and placemats, because I like to at least have some good atmosphere if I’m going to spend $100 on a meal

It Doesn’t Count if You are Eating in the Car: The one thing he does that pisses me off more than anything is when we go to the local “KenTacoHut”. We’ll be getting a bucket of chicken (with all the sides) to take home. And home isn’t that far away, maybe four blocks. And what does Paul do? He’ll order 10 soft tacos – FOR THE RIDE HOME. This drives me insane. 10 soft tacos to eat on a four block ride. And that’s *before* we get home and he eats the bucket of chicken. And the sides. But he can eat a whole bucket of chicken and sides, because he hasn’t eaten “all day” – since the food in the car “doesn’t count”.

It Doesn’t Count if You Eat With the Fridge Door Open: When he stands in front of the fridge with the door open, eating a pound of deli roast beef by the handfuls, well, that certainly doesn’t count, because the fridge was still open, and it wasn’t like he was actually sitting down and eating a meal. And when he stands in front of the freezer with a spoon scooping Ice Cream out of the carton, well, that surely can’t count, either. Because it wasn’t even in a bowl. It’s the bowl that actually adds the all the calories. And this also
extends to It Doesn’t Count if You Eat With The Cupboard Door Open: Best
illustrated by eating entire boxes of Little Debbie Honey Buns while looking for
something “real” to eat.

It Doesn’t Count if Someone Else Offers You The Food: This applies to guys at work who bring lunch’s that their wives have made, or batches of food for all the guys. Paul will eat entire meals of meat, potatoes, vegetables and rolls for lunch at work that someone brings in as leftovers, and then come home and say “Oh, I didn’t eat today at *all*”. When I find out later that he partook of this banquet feast, he’ll say “Well, that doesn’t really count, I was just trying it.” This also applies to “samples” at grocery stores, food the old lady across the street sends over when Paul fixes something for her and food or snacks eaten at parties or friend’s houses.

So, clearly, since he “never eats”, that must be how he keeps his figure. For all his bad eating habits, he’s really not fat. He’s 6 foot 2 inches tall, and weighs about 230. Not overly fleshy, so he must just have one of those metabolisms that burns up calories, but I think all that eating is going to catch up with him someday. I can’t wait for that day. So I can laugh and point at him and tell him “I told you so! You damned Chunky ChipAHoy!”


2 Responses to “A Day To Eat!”

  1. Cat A Strophe said

    Nitpickery: “lunch’s” should be “lunches”.

    Yeah, I’m pedantic.

  2. Well of course it should be – and it’s okay to be pedantic, I am too! Can you tell?


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