The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Up Next – Your Local News

Posted by thedarwinexception on November 16, 2006

I hate local news. Even more than the “real” news, you know the one they took that perky Katie Couric off of the Today show for. Local news sucks. Not only do they have sucky newscasters, but they have to do stupid shit to get you to watch, and it irritates me.

1. “Most important story of today”- an urgent sounding headline, usually read with a real somber voice that stresses how you “can’t miss this!”, and it’s always something “dire” like – “a local man and his mad cows! How this will affect meat prices all over the world!” and it’s always repeated before every commercial break, but usually not actually reported on until the end of the newscast – even after the sports. They suck you in to watch the whole fucking news show just to then change their tune – that “mad cow” story becomes “lighthearted and fun” and is really a story about how the cows are “mad” that the farmer changed their feed to some “new and improved” brand that’s going to lower the cost of hamburg for everyone. God I hate that shit. And it ends up pissing me off that I missed a rerun of Friends – probably the one where Joey acts dumb – just to watch the fucking news.

 2. We can make any story relevant to *you* – The local news has a way of making every story and every event no matter how trivial, relevant to *you*, sitting right there in your living room. Some McDonald’s gets blown up in East Fuckistan? No problem – we found a local lady who has a sister who used to live in East Fuckistan, and that sister ate in that very McDonald’s – now here’s an interview with the lady whose sister had that near fatal meal.

3. No matter what the incident, we’ll find an illiterate witness – Actually, I kind of like this about the local news. The idiots they actually film to get the “rest of the story” – I think they have a rule that “the less comprehensible they are, the better we like them.” They always seem to find some fucking moron who not only didn’t really see what happened, but also can’t string two sentences together without saying “like” or “you know” or “right?” “I was, like, standing right over there, like, and then I saw this car, like, and he, like went over there, like, and then, like, he just, like, shot the dude, right?”

4. “Joe Blow is Live on Location with our next big story – Joe?” – Every single local news station does this, and I *know* you know what I mean. For some “big story” of the day, the local news will send a reporter and a cameraman to some empty parking lot where the actual story happened a couple hours ago. And let me tell you, this is even better if the news station does live remotes for the 11:00 news. Because then it’s just sad. Some idiot reporter is standing in a dark, empty, parking lot in front of a store or a factory, or a school building – what the fuck is the point? Do the news producers think that no one will believe the story about the school board meeting if they don’t send a reporter to stand in front of some school building at 11:15 pm? “Look Folks! We wouldn’t lie to you! We really *DO* have schools!” And you know, these “live remotes” are always enhanced if they have some local retard behind the camera making faces.

5. Made up Weather – Is 10 degrees cold enough for you? No? Well, that’s OK – because we have the “wind chill” factor. That’s the temperature if the wind is blowing. And if that isn’t cold enough for you – we have the “feels like” temperature. “It’s 10 degrees outside – but it *feels like* minus 7.” What the fuck is that? I don’t believe “feels like” temperatures, because I know that I’m always cold. People comes to my house in the winter and they sweat their asses off and ask me why I keep the house so hot. To *me* it feels fine, but to other people it “feels like” 150 degrees. Does that weather guy keep that kind of shit in mind? How the fuck can he tell me what 10 degrees “feels like” to me? I think he needs to take his Super Doppler Radar and shove it up his ass. I hate it when anybody tells me how weather should “feel” to me. If I’m hot, I’m hot, if I feel cold, well, I’m fucking cold – and I don’t need to say “It’s cold out” only to have you tell me – “Oh, this isn’t cold, I remember the winter when I was 8 years old – it was *really* cold that year.” Oh, yeah, it was colder then? Well thanks for telling me that – *now* I’m warmer, since, you know, it was colder back then and all. And don’t ask me “Hot enough for you?” Because I’m just going to look at you and say “No, you really aren’t, but thanks for asking my opinion.”

And local news always seems to make a major story out of every rainfall, snowfall, and heat front. They predict there will be 1-3 inches of snow, then they keep upping the ante a little until it becomes a “Killer Snowfall” – with 8 – 10 inches expected, and they have to send “live remotes” out to interview people who “survived” the last 3 inches of snow, and they interview national “weather experts” who sit there looking uncomfortable as they tell people how to survive a major storm, and they always “Name” the story something stupid like “The Wrath of Mother Nature – 2006”

The best part is when you wake up the next morning and there’s like an inch of snow on the ground, and you turn on the windshield wipers and drive away. But it sucks because you’ll have to find a babysitter, because schools listen to these dumb fucks and school is now closed.

6. “Groundbreaking Investigative reporting” – Don’t you love the “Groundbreaking” 3 part series they always manage to come up with on local news? You know the stories. “This week, Mary Sue is going to bring us her special series on Kids and the Internet” – then Mary Sue comes to the groundbreaking conclusions that a. “You should always supervise kids on the internet” b. “there’s lots of nuts in the world” and c. “there’s people who pretend to be something they aren’t on this newfangled thing called MySpace.” Thank you Mary Sue, because fuck knows I’ve never heard that shit before. Next week – Billy Bob tells us that to lose weight, you should reduce your caloric intake and exercise more. Well, fuck, I can’t wait to watch that piece of investigative journalism and see where the hell he came up with that groundbreaking shit.

7. The stupid poll. Local news always have these really head scratching polls like 92% of all kids under 10 would rather eat pizza than vegetables. Or 87% of all adults would rather go to the beach in the summer than go to work. And these polls are always done by “A Major University” or it was first reported by “Researchers in Switzerland” or it’s a “recent study”. You know, they’d never get away with vague cites like that in Usenet. They’d be flamed right off of the internet.


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