The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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The Thieflet

Posted by thedarwinexception on November 6, 2006

Here’s a picture of the Thieflet – the formerly pregnant thief’s kid. She weighed 6 pounds 6 ounces, pretty good considering that the pregnant thief smoked stolen cigarettes all during the pregnancy. And she was 19 inches long. I guess she’s OK as far as babies go – I mean, I never could get into the “Oh! How Cute!” thing when it comes to babies – let’s face it, they pretty much all look the same. That’s why the hospital puts name tags on the isolette things – otherwise, how could you really tell one from the other?

So, the formerly pregnant thief named her kid Abigail Joan. Not remarkable, right? Only it’s not *really* “Abigail Joan”, no, because that would just be too easy and too halfway normal. No, the kid is actually, technically, Abbagale Joan. Formerly Pregnant thief came over to give us one of those hokey birth announcements – the one the picture above came with, and when I noticed the spelling of the name I said “Why the fuck did you fuck up the spelling of the kid’s name?” She said “What? What do you mean?” I said “that’s not how you spell fucking Abigail for Christ’s sake – what the fuck is this?” She says “Oh, really? I thought that’s how it was spelled. No one else said anything.” I said “well of course not, they are as fucking illiterate as you are, you fucking moron. For Christ’s sake, why didn’t you steal yourself a fucking baby name book? The way you spelled it it looks like some kind of fucking cabbage hybrid.”

So, she said she’s going to go to city hall and see if she can “change it to the right way”, which she had me fucking write on a slip of paper for her “so she wouldn’t forget how to spell it.” I swear to fucking God. I really, really do. Oh – and currently it’s Abbagale Joan. Which reminds me of “Abigail Jones” for some reason, and I don’t know why that sounds stupid, but it does. But at least she spelled Joan correctly. Unless she was trying to have the middle name John after the kid’s father, then she spelled that wrong, too. But I didn’t even ask, because I didn’t want my fucking head to explode.

Oh, and they moved. They used to live in the apartment building that’s on the corner of my street and they had to move. So they moved the day before she had the kid. They now live down the street a ways, right off of Main Street. In a three story building. They live on the top floor. John came over complaining about how he had to carry their furniture and shit up three flights of stairs and I told him that was just practice for carrying up two kids, a car seat, a stroller and 10 bags of groceries. Maybe it’s just me, but if I had two kids under the age of 2, I sure as shit wouldn’t want to live in an apartment that required three flights of stairs to get to. But, as Paul said “They get what they can get”. It’s not easy to find a really nice place when you are on Section 8 and still manage to get evicted from every apartment you have for not paying the rent.

The apartment they had over here at the end of my street was a fairly nice place-  for a Section 8 unit. But Formerly Pregnant Thief kept complaining to the landlord that there was “mold in the bathroom.” She came over here complaining about it once and I shut her down pretty quick. It was a pretty good move, you know, coming over here to have me sympathize with her about harmful it was to her kid that there was “mold in the bathroom”. I can see where she thought that would be like a bonding thing between her and I, and that I would back her up. Mostly I just told her “well, you know, it’s pretty hard to be taken as credible, Pregnant thief, when you complain about how bad mold is for your asthmatic kid while you’re sitting there with her on your lap and a fucking cigarette in your hand. Mold should be the least of her fucking worries. And you’re too lazy to fucking potty train her, so how often is she in the bathroom, anyway? But you smoke in the same room with her.”

But, she used the “mold in the bathroom” thing as a really good excuse to not
pay rent – and then when the landlord reported her ass to the Section 8 people, she repeated the same story to them, and they stopped paying the rent “pending investigation”. In the meantime, the landlord gave Pregnant Thief an eviction notice, and removed his units from the Section 8 program. So she had like 30 days to move, or pay up the back rent and start paying the $500 a month he was asking for the place without Section 8 help. So they moved to the 3rd floor walkup. Hopefully they get a phone because now it’s going to be a lot longer walk when they want to use mine. Hopefully it will be quieter around here without them knocking on the door every 10 minutes. And I can start putting my Netflix movies in the mailbox first thing in the morning instead of trying to remember to put them out 10 minutes before the mailman comes. I was kind of worried about the pregnant thief or the dimwitted boyfriend ripping them off since they were here 15 times a day. I wouldn’t put it past either of them.

Stupid fucking thief family with their cabbage hybrid thieflet.



4 Responses to “The Thieflet”

  1. “The way you spelled it it looks like some kind of fucking cabbage hybrid.”

    Snort! Snort! Snort! I don’t really laugh that way, but it reads better than ‘LOL!’

  2. Dana said

    I’ve been thinking about the Formerly Pregnant Thief (which tells you what a slow Saturday I’ve been having, doesn’t it?) If you’d like to fry her tiny little larcenous brain, ask her what she’s planning to live on once she’s too old to have babies? She’s likely to be out of kids under 18 by the time she’s, oh, 50 or so. If she were going to be able to collect Social Security, she’d still be 15 years too young. But she’s not getting Social Security even when she hits 65, ’cause she hasn’t put any money into Social Security, has she?

    It would be at least passingly amusing to hear what semblance of a plan she’s got for her old age. Or even her middle age.

  3. Well, that’s the thing around here – when you run out of options on the reproduction front using your own body – you then employ your children to start reproducing *for* you. It’s sort of a secondary market, but it works.

    See, you have a teenage or slightly over teenage daughter or son who lives with you. Once you can’t have children of your own, and the welfare is running out because all the children that you *do* have are 18, or out of school, you then pimp out your daughter to start breeding. As long as her and any spawn she might have are living in your house, the household still collects benefits.

    I personally know of one mother who has this going on. The daughter wanted to leave the house, taking the grandkid with her – to, you know, actually have her own place and her own life, and her mother actually went so far as to take her own daughter to court and accuse her of being “unfit” so that the daughter couldn’t take the grandbaby (and the source of the welfare benefits) out of the house. When I asked the mother -“So, I hear your daughter is moving out” she actually *said* to me – “oh NO, I made sure of that – I don’t know what she’s thinking, but she’s not leaving *me* without an income. How the fuck does she expect me to pay my rent?”

    Yes, sad but true. Pimping out your kids for an income. Women around here encourage their daughters to breed and “have boyfriends” and “hook up” the way most normal mothers encourage their daughter to explore their college options. One of my favorite little teenage girls, one that I think would have a chance in the world because she’s smart, clever, curious and talented, actually came to me one day and said “Yeah, Josh and I are trying to get pregnant.” Since she’s 17, I tried to dissuade her, and told her I would help her apply for grants and write application letters to colleges, but she responded by saying “yeah, I’d like to, but I really need to start helping out my mom with the bills and stuff, so I need to get my own welfare check.”

    So I’m sure pregnant thief will have it all covered. After all, she has *two* potential whores she can pimp out.


  4. Dana said

    Dear God. Shoot her now, leave the babies anonymously on a church doorstep in Burlington.

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