The Darwin Exception

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Somebody Needs An Ass Kicking!

Posted by thedarwinexception on November 5, 2006

I like reality TV. Oh, not all of it, but some of it’s cool. I love Project Runway, I love American Idol, especially the first rounds where I know I can sing better than some of the people on the show, and I like Dancing With The Stars. Sure, there are some really tacky and stupid reality shows, like any of the shows where you can pick a husband or a wife. I’ll never understand why the same people who say “Gay people can’t get married
– that will ruin the *sanctity* of marriage!” will then tune in to the latest installment of “Who wants to Marry a Millionaire!”  as if they think picking a mate on a TV game show is somehow so much more “sanctified” and “holy” than marrying a person you’ve actually lived with for 10 years. And I hated “Temptation Island”, and I thought it was ironic, too, that America, the land of “we love marriage, therefore gay people can’t marry – it’s against God!” somehow got immeasurable pleasure from seeing married people cheat. Because, again, “marriage is Holy”, but apparently not as holy as Nielsen ratings.

But lately I’ve been thinking about a reality/game show that I’d really like to see on TV. Mostly because I have so many people I would like to nominate to take part. I want to see a reality TV game show called “Somebody Needs An Ass Kicking!”

I’ve thought a lot about it, and I have it all worked out. I think it could involve out of work celebrities (because, you know, that’s a win-win for everybody!) , ordinary people fighting celebrities (you know if out of work celebrities will sing, dance and ice skate for a paycheck, why wouldn’t they get in the boxing ring?) and heart wrenching stories from everyday people (heart wrenching stories work really, really well on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition).

So, every week our host – maybe Erik Estrada, he’s been out of work for a while – will read a story from some viewer who is nominating someone who “Needs an Ass Kicking!” It could be a guy who is beating on his wife, or the neighbor who brings his St. Bernard down to your yard everyday to shit on your lawn, or, oh,
I don’t know, a pregnant thief, or some guy who borrowed your lawn mower two years ago and never returned it. The reasons “Somebody Needs an Ass Kicking!” can be anything from minor infractions to gross personality or character faults. Just so long as they need an ass kicking to get their mind right.

After our host – maybe one of those two Corey’s, you know, Corey Feldman or
that other one – introduces the sad sob story about why the person the
individual is nominating “Needs an Ass Kicking!”, well, then the curtain opens up to reveal a boxing ring, or a wrestling ring, or maybe even one of those “square circles” they use in the “Ultimate Fighting Championship”. And the vict^^^
“Star of the Show!” comes out in his boxing silks, to face the person who is going to teach this guy a lesson.

And really, who better for this than Mr. T? Right? I mean, lately the only thing this guy has done is bad comedy sketches on Conan O’Brien and stupid commercials for cellular phones. I think Mr. T would be perfect. Or even Mike Tyson, I mean, this guy has said lately that he will fight women, so why not people who really need it? And Mike, there’s a paycheck in it for you! Maybe you could save up enough to get that shit off your face.

So, we have Mr. T or Mike Tyson going into the ring with the person who “Needs an Ass Kicking!” and they beat the crap out of him. The crowd goes wild.

So, now that person is taken care of, and the host can have a little post ass kicking interview with the person who nominated the ass kickee, and the host can ask “Do you feel better?”, “Do you think they got what they deserved?” “What do you hope others learn from this?” And the interviewee can say some trite things like ‘Yes, Erik” [or “Yes, one of the two Corey’s”] “I feel so much better now, I think this asshole got just what he deserved, and I hope others learn that you can’t be an asshole without Getting Your Ass Kicked!”

Now, women are not excluded from this, because as we all know, women sometimes “Need an Ass Kicking!” Pregnant thief, anyone? And really, wouldn’t
you just love to see her get her ass kicked? She isn’t pregnant anymore, she’s fair game. But, we can’t have Mr. T or Mike Tyson kicking her ass, because, well, that’s just going too far, so I’m thinking the female ass kicker could be Michelle Rodriquez.

She’s not on “Lost” anymore, she was killed off when she had “Two For the Road”, so she’s out of work. And she *was* in that movie “Girlfight”, and let me
tell you, a lot of that wasn’t acting, I think she’s really a bad ass. And don’t forget, she drinks. I think if we get a couple beers in her and show her the sappy introduction of why some bitch “Needs an Ass Kicking”, well, Michelle is going to step up.

Now, after the “ordinary person” gets their ass kicked in the ring by either Mike Tyson or Mr. T or Michelle Rodriguez, (and we in no way have to limit it to them, we cold have “Special Guest Ass Kickers” during sweeps week, like Hulk Hogan or Russell Crowe or Naomi Campbell), then our Host (Erik or one of the two Corey’s), would introduce this week’s special Celebrity Ass Kickee, with a small filmed piece about why this celebrity needs their ass kicked. The special celebrity ass kickee’s could be people like Scott Petersen, or Lindsay Lohan or Kevin Federline. And we know all of them need their ass kicked.

But you may be asking “Kim, why would people go on this show to have their ass kicked?” I have two words in response – Jerry Springer. Why do people go on Jerry Springer? I mean, really, when your wife comes to you and says “Honey, I have something to tell you and I called Jerry Springer and he said I could tell you on his show.” Well, really, do you go on Jerry Springer? Do you say “OK honey, that sounds good!” Or do you start checking your wife for a dick she might have been hiding from you? People want to be on TV. People want to be famous, to be noticed. And this show is going to be “Prime Time!” Jerry Springer is daytime TV. There will be no shortage of people who will go when nominated – if only because they think they might have a shot at kicking Mike Tyson or Mr. T’s or Michelle Rodriguez’s ass before they get their own ass kicked. Because let’s face it, when someone needs their ass kicked, there’s a fairly good chance they just aren’t that fucking bright.

I think “Somebody Needs an Ass Kicking!” is going to be a smash hit, and if you are a producer or Network Executive, and you want to air this show, Hey, call me! I have some nominees for you. 


2 Responses to “Somebody Needs An Ass Kicking!”

  1. groo said

    Erik Estrada had a gig until last year, voicing a character on “Sealab 2021”. He was Marco Rodrigo Diaz de Vivar Diego Garcia Marquez.

  2. Well, good – then I take it he’s available?


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