The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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The Great Magic 8 Ball

Posted by thedarwinexception on October 30, 2006

It’s getting cold. It’s already snowed once – can you believe it? And now we have “gale force winds” – I don’t know exactly what “gale force” means, all I know is that it causes a banner to scroll across the top of the TV show you’re watching that says “gale force winds”. Feeling doubtful and unoptimistic about getting a kitchen sink anytime before I am snowed in yet again, I went to my magic eight ball for guidance.

So what if I talk to inanimate objects? It makes about as much sense as asking hubby “So, do you think that there will *ever* be water flowing out of that faucet down there?” Usually this question is met with long involved explanations of how “difficult” the job is going to be. Hubby tends to “embellish”, especially if he answers the same question more than once. The explanation he gave started out many months ago as “I have to fix the drain” – but, of course, if the “fix” remains as something so simple, then it gets harder and harder to defend *why* it isn’t fixed yet – so the things he has to do to fix it have to grow proportionately with the amount of time that has elapsed since I’ve been on his ass to fix it. Now when I ask, “when will the sink be done?” the explanation includes “The city has to come and rip the street up”. I’m sure that by the spring thaw when I ask “Will I ever have a sink in the kitchen?” the explanation will include something about how he has to change the chemical formula for water.

And, of course, he likes to throw words around that he thinks sound impressive in the context, but that I won’t understand. It’s not that he *only* has to “fix the drain”, it’s that he has to “get some Acrylonitrile Butadiene Styrene to cover the escutcheon so the pressures balance valve doesn’t interfere with the vacuum breaker.” Of course, I leave him alone, quite content that he has this all under control and knows exactly what he’s doing. It’s not until I actually go to the hardware store with him and start recognizing things like Acrylonitrile Butadiene Styrene as nothing but fucking pipe glue that I realize he may be conning me, and taking advantage of the fact that I don’t know that a pressure mixing valve has nothing to do with a fucking kitchen sink.

So, instead of getting another longwinded outlandish explanation from hubby, I turn to the Great Magic 8 Ball for answers. The Great Magic 8 Ball, who never lies, never misdirects and keeps all answers truthful, short and succinct.

Am I ever going to see a finished kitchen?

Don’t count on it.

Okay then… can I at least expect running water in the sink?

Better not tell you now.

Oh for Christ’s sake. Why not? It’s not like I can fill the tub and slash my wrists if you say no – I don’t have a tub. Well, since that answer might send me over the edge, will the trim at least get done over the cupboards?

It is certain.

Well look at that! Must be I find a contractor, because hubby hasn’t finished “thinking on” that one. At least something about my future is clear. Does this mean that the facings get finished on the front of the cupboards, too?

My sources say no.

Well, that rules out a contractor, because I’d have him do both jobs at once. Must be hubby gets a brainstorm. Or *maybe* I just find some instructions online and do it myself! Is this a job I could do if I tried?

Signs point to yes.

There you go! Better make a note to Google “finish work cupboards trim”. Can I do plumbing, too, with clear enough instructions?

Very doubtful.

Okay, I understand. I guess this means I am doomed to never having water in the kitchen again. Unless I win the lottery, spend my fortune on a nice mansion in some exotic location and have a working sink in every room. Right?

Better not tell you now.

Not now? I get it. There is probably some rule about withholding information about lottery winners before the numbers are announced. I wouldn’t want you to get in trouble. Can you at least give me a few hints as to which numbers I should choose? How about 4-8-15-16-23-42? Are those the numbers I will win with?

Ask again later.

[10 minutes later] What numbers should I choose for my winning lottery ticket?

Cannot predict now.

Oh, I almost forgot, you can’t give numbers. You only have twenty different answers inside that little magic ball which probably means that you’re not a reliable source for any of the questions I just asked you! Oh for Christ’s sake! You’re more reliable than that, aren’t you? Should I just go back and ask hubby again – will I get any more reliable answers from him than I do from you?

Don’t count on it.

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One Response to “The Great Magic 8 Ball”

  1. Line of the week: I’m sure that by the spring thaw when I ask “Will I ever have a sink in the kitchen?” the explanation will include something about how he has to change the chemical formula for water.

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