The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Weird Shit I Live With – Part 1

Posted by thedarwinexception on October 27, 2006

So, 3 years ago my beloved Aunt died.  The lady on the boat in the pink and white shirt is Aunt Sandy. She loved being out on her boat. She loved fishing and she loved her summer camp on Lake Champlain. When she died, she left all her earthly possessions to my husband and myself. And while this was certainly a very generous thing for her to do, there have been days when I’ve wondered if she didn’t really secretly hate me and if leaving me her stuff wasn’t some final act of revenge.

This woman took the term “Packrat” to a new level, and although I really liked the fact that she collected some things that were really great to have – like sewing stuff, and yarn, and knitting needles, and sewing patterns, it also was a little disturbing to discover she was a “hoarder”. The woman lived like the next great depression was imminent. She hoarded “supplies” like there was going to be a great shortage of such things in the near future. Like soap. I must have 300 bars of soap. And that’s after giving a lot of it away. I’ve taken to insisting that anyone who comes into the house must leave with a bar of soap. Which can be a good thing with *some* of the people hubby allows in here. Some of them could use a nice bar of fragrant soap. But it’s kind of sad to see the mailman drop the mail in the box and run away, lest I catch him and make him fill his little mail sack with more bars of “Cashmere Bouquet”.

Aunt Sandy also hoarded things like small appliances. I have 4 mixers, 3 food processors and probably 10 small personal cassette player/walkman things. We also have about 10 televisions in assorted sizes, 900 sets of wind chimes, 4 or 5 film cameras, and about 50 different tubs, tubes and bottles of body lotion.

And you must understand, this is just the stuff I’ve actually sorted through – we still have two extremely large storage units back in Vermont full to the rafters of unsorted crap. Some day I’ll get enough time, room and energy to go through all that shit. But the priority has to be sorting through the stuff that’s already here. And I don’t even have the time, energy and room for that.

But in sorting through some of Aunt Sandy’s stuff, I’ve found some pretty weird shit that is either bizarre, odd, unusual or just downright scary. Now, when you add this collection to the collection Paul keeps of skulls, Nazi paraphernalia, Rebel crap and Harley collectibles, it’s like I live in a fucking side show of crap. I mean, who has this stuff? Really? Who has this stuff?

Part One of “Weird Shit I live With” – more to follow after I get Paul to actually allow me into the Harley Barn with a camera – he’s sensitive about that. 

1. THE ACE BANDAGE COLLECTION So far, these are all the ace bandages I have found. I am really hoping that I twist my ankle soon, otherwise it will just be silly to have all these, won’t it? These were all my Aunt’s, who, as far as I know, never twisted her ankle. Or her wrist, or any other part of her body. But, you know, once the great depression hits, these things will probably be hard to find, so it’s probably smart to keep a dozen of them in the bathroom. Just in case you sprain 12 of your limbs at the same time.

2. THE PORN PARAPHERNALIA It can be quite disconcerting to go through your deceased relatives things only to find that they had a rather blue sense of humor. We found more than one little piece of bric a brac that raised our eyebrows. For instance an old vinyl album called “Swingers” that consisted of nothing more than an extended session of group sex. Now, this would probably make for a best selling video or DVD, but an album? I wonder how common these things were before the days of VCR’s. And kudos to the people who had good enough imaginations to own and enjoy them.

But that was only one thing I found, there was also “Squirmy”. “Squirmy” is a vintage dildo – a hand crank dildo. No, I kid you not. Hand crank. I didn’t quite see the utility factor in “Squirmy”, but he’s a great conversation piece                Try selling “Squirmy” on eBay.

Or this guy – quite charming, isn’t he? When looked at from one angle, he just looks like a tacky souvenir from the SouthWest.     But, when you turn him around, he’s something else altogether. Charming, just charming. Who buys this shit? And even more importantly – who makes it? I must admit, I have never had one of these on my list of Christmas gifts I couldn’t live without.

 3. HUBBY’S TREASURES AND FINDS I love to go to garage sales and flea markets. Hubby says he hates them. He goes with me once in a while – grudgingly, and then every time he goes he brings home more crap than I do. I like to buy books and sewing stuff, yarn and salt & pepper shakers. Hubby brings home stuff like this – this is one of his favorite finds an antique rusted out old stove. He swears he’s going to clean it up and use it in our living room, but that will probably be the weekend after he gets the plumbing done in the kitchen, or approximately the 12th of fucking never.

And things like woodstoves aren’t the only things he “has to have” when he sees them – he also picked this up at a swap meet – it’s some sort of medical tool sterilizer. From the 20’s. He says that it would “make a great parts washer”. But that’s Paul for you.

4. THE HARLEY BARN As I mentioned before, hubby has a strange aesthetic when it comes to decorating – he likes to decorate using “shocking” artifacts and items. Like this banner that greets you as you walk up the stairs in the Harley barn. Quite the inviting sight, isn’t it? But oddly enough, you wouldn’t even notice that banner unless it was pointed out to you – there’s so much to see and experience in the Harley barn it’s quite difficult to take it all in on one viewing. Your eyes don’t quite know where to rest when you visit the Harley barn – do you stop to examine the old Harley gas pump? The lamps made out of engine jugs? The collection of mufflers hanging on the wall? Or surely one of the first things you notice is the couch made out of a coffin. Yeah, it has to be that.                      

One Response to “Weird Shit I Live With – Part 1”

  1. deepstblu said

    The porn LP isn’t unique…would you believe porn 8-tracks? (Needless to say, not safe for work:)

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