The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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The Pregnant Thief

Posted by thedarwinexception on October 25, 2006

So not only did Daniele “trick” John into getting her pregnant, if you want
to consider “fuck me and I’ll fuck you back” as a way of “tricking” someone into
getting you pregnant, although she sort of kind of lied about being on birth
control, but she still insists “Oh, I was on the pill….I don’t know
could have happened”…but see, that’s not even the worse thing about
Daniele. At least not in the “Darwin Exception” scheme of things. Oh no, that’s
not the worse thing at all.

Daniele is a prime example of the “Darwin Exception” because she’s a thief. A
pregnant thief.

She’s already on probation for getting busted last year stealing from cars in
the parking lot at Kmart. Not that she didn’t actually go inside Kmart
and help herself to merchandise from inside the store, as well, she just got
busted outside.

Which is bad enough.

And last year, when she was facing going to court for sentencing she was
coming over here all weepy eyed and worried “Oh, I’m so scared! Oh, what’s going
to happen to my daughter? Oh, I’m going to go to jail!” Boo Hoo, Boo fucking Hoo.

Well, she got probation. Whoop de fucking do. Because that will cure her
kleptomania, for sure!

Yeah, in a pig’s ass it will.

So, Christmas came around, and well, ’tis the season to be klepto. She
branched out and went all the way to Massena to the mall to shoplift her
Christmas presents, because, well, you know, it is Christmas, and you do
want special shit for Christmas. Not the run of the mill “I could steal
this shit anyday” kind of stuff. That just won’t do. So off to Massena for
Christmas Klepto’ing.

Then in March she announces that she’s pregnant (Woops!) And now the theft
goes into high gear. I mean, there’s a whole new person coming to steal for! Now
she explores the whole “Infants” section of Kmart, and steals clothes, diapers,
mobile’s, crib sheets, receiving blankets, pretty much everything you would need
for a blessed new innocent life coming into the world.

And she does all this with no regard to the fact that you know, if she gets
caught (which is a distinct possibility, I mean, it’s not like she’s a
particularly effective thief, she has been caught before), she
will be in jail. Pregnant and in jail. And “Pregnant Women Behind Bars” is a
whole new shelf in the adult section at blockbuster. Not a pretty position to be
in. But she has no qualms about the whole thing.

I speak to John a million times about this little habit of hers. I try to
impart to him the implications of what she is doing, and how it could very well
impact on him. I mean, “receiving stolen property” is still a charge, as well,
one that could bite him right in the ass. His repeated response is “I told her –
I can’t stop her, there’s nothing I can do about it.” I beg to differ, but
there’s no talking to “Darwin Exception’s”, it’s one of the things that put them
in that category to begin with – ignorance and the inability to fucking listen.
John also offers that “She gets a high from it”. Something I don’t quite
understand, but have heard can be a problem for some people. It’s a mental
thing. I tell him “Well, I don’t want her over here anymore – you know, I don’t
want her stealing from me!” and he says “Oh, no, she wouldn’t steal from
like, people – she just gets a high stealing from stores.” I
remind him that the last time she got busted it was for stealing from cars,
which like, belong to people – so the high must at least extend to the
parking lot outside the store, and I tell him again “I don’t want her here.”

So, everything is going along the same old, same old, until John comes over
one day in September when Daniele is now 6 months pregnant or so. I ask where
she is, and he informs hubby and I that she is “at the Indian Reservation –
stealing cigarettes.” HUH?? WTF? Now this is wrong on several levels, number one
of which is “What the fuck is she doing smoking cigarettes to begin with when
she’s fucking pregnant?” Now, it may be just me, but I think that 
if you sign up to be pregnant, for any reason, even if it’s an ignorant
reason like “I want to keep my man” or “I need to maximize my government
benefits” then you sign up for the long haul, and you sign up to abstain from
your bad fucking habits for the duration. But, this is someone who can’t even
abstain from stealing, for fuck’s sake, so how are we ever to expect that she
would be selfless enough to abstain from smoking? I guess that’s just way to
foolish a fucking assumption to make.

John’s next statement sets my head to fucking spinning – he says “Well, she
didn’t have any money and she didn’t have any cigarettes, so she said she was
going to go steal some because ‘She’s not doing without'”. No, of course she’s
not doing without. Which bodes really, really well for the future of her
children, don’t you think? “Mommy, I need shoes!” “Fuck you – I don’t have any
cigarettes – and I’m not doing without.” “Mommy I want some milk.” “Fuck you – I
don’t have any beer – and I’m not doing without!” You gotta love ignorant people
spawning. You just gotta love it.

So, she goes to the reservation and steals cigarettes. Which, of course, sets
me to wondering… is a person who gets Section 8 housing, a welfare
check, food stamps, Medicaid, and God knows what else for assistance every month
– and she has no money?? I mean, she’s stealing anything she could, like, have
to spend money on – so what’s the fucking malfunction here? No one is
subsidizing my lifestyle with food stamps and heating vouchers, and I don’t
steal curtains and DVD’s, if I want them, I have to fucking buy them like the
rest of the world, yet I have money left at the end of the month – why doesn’t
she? I don’t get it. I just don’t get it.

John and the pregnant thief came over to the house (I kept my eye on her,
believe me), talking about how they are having a “Jack and Jill” shower. I
pretended not to be listening, and let hubby do his usual “charm the shit out of
people” act, and let him do all the nodding and acting interested. Hubby finally
says to me “We went to a Jack and Jill shower once, didn’t we?” and I said
“Yeah, why? Who’s getting married?” John says “Oh, no, we’re having a shower for
the baby.” And I said “Really? Why are you having a shower, didn’t she just have
a kid last year? You don’t have to have a shower for every kid, you
know.” And pregnant thief pipes in and says “Oh, I didn’t have a shower the last
time!” And I said “Well, and why would you, dear? I mean, what could I buy you
that you couldn’t just steal for yourself, right?”

Oddly enough, we weren’t invited to the shower. Which was too bad, because I
was going to get her a roll of yellow crime scene tape to put around the crib.

Things continue along until October – when she finally gets busted stealing
cigarettes at the reservation. Holy Fucking Shit. Now, I admit I hate ignorant
people, and I admit, I revel in the misfortune of those who are finally exposed
as being the ignorant fucks they are, but this was like a special day, even to
me. I even got all dressed up and turned the TV on to the “Classic Rock” music
channel and danced a little in front of the couch. Some things just warm the
fucking cockles of my heart, and learning that the pregnant thief got busted was
just such an event for me. I was thrilled. Thrilled, I tell ya.

I was very, very grateful that the Mohawks got technified and installed
cameras into their cigarette selling stations, because although pregnant thief
got busted, she didn’t get busted like some security guard walked up to her in
the store and escorted her to a back room – no, she got busted on camera. The
State Police paid a little visit to her house and asked for her. She wasn’t home
– probably out stealing somewhere, but they eventually caught up with her and
gave her a “appearance ticket” wherein she would have to appear in court on a
theft charge.

So, I continued to dance, and hoped that her probation officer would also
violate her probation – I mean, this was a new charge, something you aren’t
supposed to get when you are on probation, right? I asked John what was going to
happen with that, and he said her probation officer was “undecided” as to
whether or not she was going to be violating pregnant thief, since the probation
officer didn’t want pregnant thief to “lose her kids”. Which really was
comforting to me, you know, to know that someone was concerned about the kids,
since, you know, pregnant thief didn’t seem to be. But to me, and again, this is
just me, but I think the kids would be better off without their pregnant thief
mother. I know the foster care system can be pretty brutal, but having a mother
who steals with no regard to the fact that she’s like pregnant is pretty
fucking brutal, too.

So, the day of reckoning finally comes. I am ecstatic and giddy with the
anticipation and firm belief that finally I will be able to drop the pregnant
thief off of the “Darwin Exception” list, because once she is sentenced to jail,
surely she will realize the error of her ways, and once the baby is born in a
jail infirmary, well, that should definitely drive home the point of personal
responsibility. And there’s always the added bonus that she won’t be able to
smoke in jail, so the baby will get a breather for a few weeks, anyway.

Her court appearance is scheduled for 4:00, and around 5:30, her sister comes
over to use the phone because pregnant thief has finally realized that “Hey! I
don’t have a ride or any way to get to court!” So her sister comes over to try
and get someone on the phone who can come and get her and bring her to her court
appearance. I say to her sister “Well, why don’t you call the person who was
bringing her out to the reservation to steal cigarettes?”

She finally finds *someone*, and leaves.

John comes over later that night to update us on the court appearance. She
got a $100 fine and a stern warning not to steal again. And the probation
officer decided not to violate her, because of the kids. You know, if you are 8
months pregnant, and tearful, it’s pretty easy to get a sympathy verdict and

I am still in mourning. And I have not removed her name from the “Darwin
Exception” list, mostly because Wal-Mart opened a new SuperCenter here 2 days
after her court appearance. And, Christmas is coming.

And, as we know, she doesn’t do without.


8 Responses to “The Pregnant Thief”

  1. John said

    Wonderful! I’ve not laughed so much in quite a long time.

    Please keep posting.

  2. njm said

    Wow, have you pointed out to the stupid boyfriend that he should be able to knock up way cuter girls than that?

  3. JasonQ said

    NJM, in all your worldly-wise ways, you haven’t figured out that most (okay, a lot of)guys will fuck anything that stands still long enough and is passably cute? Good friend of mine calls it “Hole And A Heartbeat Syndrome.”

    Come on…I expect better than that from ye.

    Feel sorry for that poor baby. Reminds me of Chris Rock’s bit about “If you’d have known his mama, you’d know he ain’t never had a chance…”


  4. Well, I feel sorry for the kid, too. Really I do. I know foster care is like the *last* place you would want a kid to be, but I wish it for these kids.

    And no, NJM, she isn’t really very pretty, is she? But I can’t look at her without seeing her ugly character, so that makes her even more Frankensteinian, to me. I wouldn’t care if he was with Bertha ButtUgly if she was a good person, able to hold and keep a job, put John on the right path and provide a safe, stable home for any kids that they spawned.

    I worry about John, and i worry about the kids, and I worry about all that unsecure merchandise down at the new Wal Mart.


  5. njm said

    Please Jason, I know all about the “flesh mattress” sort of behaviour, I’m just dissing the Pregnant Thief because I knew Kim would tell the dumb boy what I said, and I wanted to tweak him.

  6. I’m feeling sorry for the Mohawks, myself. I mean, here it is centuries later, we’ve taken all of the land we wanted, and now we’re stealing fucking cigarettes, too? Low down, low down I tell you.

  7. […] on February 25th, 2007 So – news to tell you. BIG news. Remember the pregnant thief? The original pregnant thief with the dimwitted boyfriend and the kid named Cabbage  Abbagale? The kid named Abbagale born just […]

  8. […] by thedarwinexception on October 25th, 2007 The dimwitted boyfriend of the pregnant thief came over last night. The pregnant thief had her third daughter a few months back. This new baby […]

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