The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Shit that Pisses me Off

Posted by thedarwinexception on October 25, 2006

…and it’s not only people that piss me off. Other stuff pisses me off, too. Lots of stuff.

Things That Piss Me Off (in no way a comprehensive list – this is just the shit I remember right now)

1. Kris Kristofferson – who the fuck told this guy he could sing? And why
doesn’t someone just come out and tell him he was lied to? If I ever saw this
guy on the street, I sure would. I’d walk right up to him and say “Dude – you’re
fucking tone deaf. And guess what? You can’t act either.”

2. Faux News Stories. Is it *really* news that someone ripped off Lindsay
Lohan’s pocketbook at the airport – and do I *really* need the “UPDATE” crawler
on the bottom of the CNN screen that nothing was taken from the purse when it
was returned? Who gives a fuck about her purse? That’s not news! That’s like a
personal bad fucking day. And who is Lindsay Lohan that she gets like a personal
fucking update on her problems on CNN? I half expect to be watching one morning
and have the crawler go by saying “UPDATE: Kim spilled soda on her keyboard this
morning – no word yet on whether or not it is fixable. But stay Tuned…”

3. Scented candles that are wrapped in cellophane. How the hell can you know
what the candle smells like if it’s wrapped up in a box? Then when you take a
chance and buy the damned thing, you take it home only to find it doesn’t smell
like vanilla – it smells like cellophane.

4. The fact that John Edward has *another* show on television. “Cross Country
With John Edward”. I mean, really, if this guy can talk to the dead, can’t he
just ask the dead guy what their loved ones telephone number was and like call
the people up and say “Hey! I talked to your Uncle Joe last night! He says Hi!”

5. Stupid comeback lines. “Oh – you got your hair cut!” “No, I got them *all*
cut.” Yeah, Dude, that was really fucking funny – when I was *seven*! And why is
it usually some 50 year old guy that says these stupid things to you? “Is it hot
enough for you?” “No, can you make it hotter?” Who thinks this shit is funny? Oh
– and people who ask you “So, what do you want – a *cookie*?” Yeah, stupid ass,
I do – you got one?

6. The cable company. I cannot stand the way they have channel “packages” that
consist of 10 channels nobody in their right minds would watch unless they
really suffer from insomnia and need something to fall asleep by – and then that
*one* channel you’d really like to have. Can’t I have just the *one* channel?
No, I have to buy “The Golf Channel”, the “Shop at Home for Crappy Shit”
channel, the “Game Shows From 50 Years ago” channel and some fucking channel in
some language I don’t even speak – all in order to get “Turner Classic Movies”.

7. Beautiful actresses and models who always “qualify” their beauty by saying
“Oh, but I was so gawky and ugly in high school!” Like that somehow means they
paid some kind of “dues” to be beautiful. Shut the fuck up – all that means is
it took you a little longer to get laid.

8. Cereal commercials that say “Part of a complete breakfast.” No wonder America
is so overweight – what the hell is a “complete breakfast” if a bowl of cereal
won’t do it? How many people actually eat bacon, pancakes and eggs *with* their

9. People who say obvious and redundant things. You are driving down the road
and someone says “Oooohhhh! Skunk!” Thank you, thank you very much for pointing
that out. I never would have known otherwise, seeing’s how I was born without
all five senses. Or when I am chopping something and suddenly yell “OW!” while
blood is running down my hand. Is it really necessary for my husband to say “Did
you cut yourself?” Because really, stupid ass, what else could it be? Do you
think I just spontaneously bleed from the hand once a month, too?

10. Clapping in movie theaters. Is this really necessary? I mean, unless you are
at a premiere and sitting next to the actors or the director or something, who
the fuck are you clapping for? The minimum wage projectionist? Yeah, he gives a
shit whether or not you liked the movie. Made his fucking day, you did.

11. Waiting in line. OK, everybody hates waiting in line, but why is it that
whenever I get in line behind someone it’s always the stupidest person in the
fucking store? You know this person, the one that waits until the cashier tells
them the total and then they act like they are really surprised that they
actually have to pay for their shit, and that’s when they decide to start
digging for their change or searching for their checkbook. And why is it that
every person above 60 years of age always has to dig in their little clamshell
change holder to pay with exact change? Do old people have some aversion to
quarters I’m not aware of?

12. People who send out ultrasound pictures like they were their children’s
first formal photographs. You know, I don’t care “how far those things have come
along since the 80’s”, I still can’t make out your kids foot from his ass in an
ultrasound photo, and what the fuck am I supposed to do with this thing, anyway?
Frame it? Don’t send me a picture of your kid before the umbilical cord is cut.

13. Criminal’s Relatives. These people are the most self serving, enabling
people in the world. “I don’t understand why Jimmy shot those two people – he’s
a good kid.” Lady, what the hell do the *bad* kids in your family do? And you
just know that over the course of Jimmy’s life – whenever he was in trouble or
accused of doing something wrong, she was right there for him, telling the
principal or the neighbors or the cops “But Jimmy is a *good* kid! He couldn’t
have done *that*!”

14. Updates on “Miracle Babies”. Now, number one, isn’t *every* baby a miracle?
Sure it is, don’t let the press fool you. They just like to label certain babies
“miracle babies”, because they can’t just call them “That lady that took those
pills that make you have a bunch of kids and ended up with a litter of 8.” And
you know, I really *don’t* want to see how the “McPill Quints” are doing 3 years
later. I’ll bet they are doing just fine, seeing’s how Star paid them 1 Million
dollars for pictures, and they have the whole community babysitting, and
Primetime Live gives them half a million every year for “Updates” and some
company built them a 6 bedroom house. You know what I’d rather see? The woman
who had 4 kids in 5 years and then her husband left her. I’d rather see how
*she’s* doing, since nobody comes over and babysits for her in shifts or bakes
her casseroles every night and no one built her a house – she’s much more likely
to look at the camera and say “sometimes I just want to pull my fucking hair
out.” Now that’s compelling drama.

15. Magazines that say “Continued on Page 168” and then don’t have the page
numbers written on the pages. I end up reading half of a different story before
I realize “wow – I don’t think this has anything to do with that other thing I
was reading.” If you are going to force me to rifle through 40 pages of ads for
perfume I’ll never buy, and have 72 subscription cards fall in my lap while I
try to continue reading the one article in your magazine worth reading, at least
put the fucking page numbers on the pages.

16. Commercials for movies that say “The Most Anticipated Movie of the Year” or
“The Most Anticipated Movie of the Summer”, “The Most Anticipated Movie in
Decades.” Is there some group of people I don’t know about who sit around and
anticipate movies? And why the hell are they anticipating crap movies? I’ll bet
most of these people are video store owners. Because that’s where most of these
movies end up in a month. In the “Pre Viewed” section for $4.99. “Yeah, we were
anticipating this….now we have 45 copies of ‘The Break Up’ we have to unload.”
And add misleading commercials for movies to the list – “The Number one Comedy
of the Summer!” Sure it is, when you figure in that it’s only getting beat by 10
dramas, 14 animated films, 3 horror films and 9 thrillers. And that it beat out
the only other comedy released this summer. But I guess “Number one comedy of
the summer!” sounds better than “We’re the worst movie of the summer – except
for that one other movie”.


3 Responses to “Shit that Pisses me Off”

  1. Broccoli. Broccoli is part of a complete breakfast.

  2. GossG said

    “You know what I’d rather see? The woman
    who had 4 kids in 5 years and then her husband left her. I’d rather see how
    *she’s* doing, since nobody comes over and babysits for her in shifts or bakes
    her casseroles every night and no one built her a house – she’s much more likely
    to look at the camera and say “sometimes I just want to pull my fucking hair
    out.” Now that’s compelling drama.”

    Isn’t that the business model for “Extreme Home Makeover”?

    BTW, a comment on your blog title.

    Darwin describes both the clam strategy and the cherished strategy. In an environment where it is easy to grow and survive, then natural selection pushes towards the clam strategy – LOTS of offspring, with very little or no support for each one. In a medium environment, you get females who cherish, and males who either ignore offspring, or who gather and cherish the females and lots of offspring. In the latter strategy, the males have to fight off other interlopers who poach upon their harem. (an interesting variant of the “cherish the females” strategy is to have a number of males born with female markings. These fake femmes then sneak into harems when the machos are distracted. The third group is in very difficult environments where BOTH parents must cherish the offspring. (Human females developed “secret estrus” as part of the strategy to keep the guys around. In response, human males developed FSH in semen to push the estrus cycle if it’s anywhere close.)

    Anyhow, Darwinian selection depends to a great deal on the “difficulty” of the environment. In an easy-to-survive environment, then sexual selection matters much more while offspring support becomes much less important. So in the Malone case, you have government support for the offspring, you should see “babelicious” females and high risk-taking macho males. Not an exception. Pure darwinism.

  3. […] Visit original post by thedarwinexception […]

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