The Darwin Exception

because it's not always survival of the fittest – sometimes the idiots get through

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Bad Boy, Bad Boy, Whatchya Gonna Do?

Posted by thedarwinexception on October 25, 2006

So you know how they say chivalry is dead? If you gauge it by my husband, it
is dead. And buried. Despite the fact that Paul is charming, pleasant, attentive
and nice to everyone, he’s not exactly all those things to me. And he isn’t very
chivalrous, either.

Paul is the only person I know who can walk into a bank and have tellers
actually run to their windows and remove the “Next Teller Please” signs and yell
out “Paul! I’ll help you over here!”, and he also is the only guy *I’ve* ever
been with who will see some old lady at Price Chopper with a full cart of
groceries and take over the cart, wheeling it to the ladies car to unload all
the groceries into the trunk for her. And this is the guy who when *I* come home
with a trunk full of groceries, will immediately run into the house claiming “I
have to go to the bathroom” rather than help unload those groceries. And the
only “putting groceries away” I’ve ever seen him do is when he gets the bag of
Oreo’s out of the bag and goes and eats the whole package while I put the rest
of the stuff away. Paul is also the only guy I know who will sit and eat his
dinner with his hands until I walk by and he is able to ask me to go get a fork
for him. He’s a lazy ass. Plain and simple. A lazy ass.

I love turning the TV down all the way before I shut it off at night. The
remote doesn’t work on the volume of the TV for some reason, and I find it
amusing and take great perverse pleasure in knowing that when Paul gets up in
the morning and plants his ass on the couch, he’ll use the remote to turn on the
TV, but rather than get up to actually walk over to the TV to turn it up, he’ll
sit there and watch the picture with no sound until I get out of bed. Then, when
I walk into the living room he’ll say “Can you turn the TV up?” That, folks, is
what you call “lazy ass syndrome”. You gotta fucking laugh, you just gotta.

And I get the whole “I married a bad boy” thing. I do. I really do. But one
has to wonder exactly what that entails and encompasses, because let me tell
you, I’ve had a couple of instances where the whole “bad boy” thing has been put
to the test, and although Paul seems to put himself out there as being a “bad
boy” he really doesn’t live up to the image. I mean, shouldn’t a “bad boy” be a
protector? Shouldn’t a “bad boy” be the one you can depend on when danger is
around? At the very *least* isn’t this exactly what “bad boys” are good for? Or
am I taking his 6 foot 2 inch stature, 210 pound girth and  leather clad
body and even his “Toughman Contest Championship” way too seriously and
expecting too much from him?

Take the alligators. Now, I don’t expect the guy to wrestle alligators for
me, but….

When we lived in Florida snakes and alligators were part of life. There was a
rattler curled up and sunning himself on our neighbor’s porch one time – and
when the lady of the house screamed and yelled about it, Paul was the first one
there, picking it up with a shovel and throwing it into the woods. And this is
when you start to get that “safe and secure” feeling because you married a “bad
boy”. I mean, at least you file that little factoid away under ‘Will pick up
rattler’s and dispose of them for you”. So, you know, you don’t really fear
rattlers when he’s around.

But then we had the fires.

There was a spate of forest fires that threatened the woods around our house
– there was a small arm of the Myakka river in the woods and the fire must have
driven out some of the alligators. The first property they came to was ours, so
they would stop and hang out for a while on our property. We saw lots of
alligators that year, and generally we would just stay inside and make sure the
dogs were locked on the porch when they were around. Lots of alligators would
tangle with dogs, especially if they felt threatened or if it was a female who
had a nest nearby.

So one day Paul was in the driveway cutting back some of the foliage. We had
a really long driveway, it was at least a quarter mile long, and had dense
hedges and trees on one side. When cars, (or especially bikes) came down the
driveway, the foliage would sometimes stick out far enough to scratch the sides
of the vehicles. We had to go out quite often and cut back some of the overgrown
foliage to make sure this didn’t happen.

So on this particular day, Paul had been out there quite a while cutting back
the foliage with a machete. Long enough so that I wondered what the hell he was
doing. So, I took Brewster (the scaredy dog) up the driveway for a walk to see
where Paul was and what was keeping him so long.

When
I finally found him about halfway up the driveway, I happened to glance right
across from where he was working. There was a small open patch of grass there,
where the sun just happened to be shining, and I noticed an alligator sitting
there sunning – all 7 or so feet of him. Calmly, and without screaming or
showing any excitement, I said to Paul “Hey! Look at that guy watching you!”
Paul looked over, saw the alligator and immediately ran over to Brewster, picked
him up in his arms – all 50 or so pounds of him – and immediately started
sprinting down the driveway, leaving me standing there. I yelled down the
driveway after him as he ran towards the house “Hey! HEY!!” Paul looked back at
me over his shoulder and yelled out “Get the machete!”

Yeah, it’s great being married to a bad boy. Stupid chivalrous fuck.

 

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6 Responses to “Bad Boy, Bad Boy, Whatchya Gonna Do?”

  1. Aw, man, I am sure glad my wife doesn’t write her own blog! That was hilarious.

  2. njm said

    To be fair, Kim, I think you should post the story about how you met, why you married him, and what he really means to you – that was the only thing I’ve ever read on usenet that made me cry.

  3. Made you cry? Awww, you big softie!

    Maybe I would post it – if I could find it. But that was a long time ago, and I’m afraid if I did a Google Groups search on “Hubby – Love” I would get a ton of results – probably almost as many as “Hubby – Pissed off At”

    Kim

  4. ¡Que Barbara! said

    “And this is the guy who when *I* come home with a trunk full of groceries, will immediately run into the house claiming “I have to go to the bathroom” rather than help unload those groceries. ”

    Wow, I thought my husband invented that one.

  5. aloony said

    “Paul is charming, pleasant, attentive
    and nice to everyone, he’s not exactly all those things to me.”

    Sounds like our dog. When she encounters any stranger (defined as somebody she’s never met before) she lavishes excited happiness and a frantic “pet me, pet me, I love you” attitude on them. But on a routine day-in-day-out basis she ignores exhibiting an intense disinterest, only becoming affectionate when it her dinnertime. Here happiness display decays the more frequently she sees a person.

  6. aloony said

    Wow, you can’t edit these comments. I always make typos and can only see them after viewing a post. Let’s try again . . .

    Sounds like our dog. When she encounters any stranger (defined as somebody she’s never met before) she lavishes excited happiness and a frantic “pet me, pet me, I love you” attitude on them. But on a routine day-in-day-out basis she ignores us, exhibiting an intense disinterest, only becoming affectionate when it’s her dinnertime.

    Her happiness display decays the more times she’s seen a person.

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