Find Me a Superpower

So Heroes is done for the year. That sucks. But the last episode was quite good. And they have a new catchphrase – instead of “Save the Cheerleader, Save the World”, we now have “Are You on the List?” Which is OK, not as catchy as “Save the Cheerleader”, but it will do. “The List” is the list of people in the world who have the “SuperPowers” – the ones who are the “Heroes”.

I guess I’m not on the list – the only superpower I have is I can “sweep the room with a glance”. And even that doesn’t manage to get up all the dog hair. I *want* to be “on the list”, but I can’t figure out which superpower I want. They all come with hidden complications that render them undesirable, it’s just that no one actually thinks that far ahead and realizes the pitfalls. And I’m not altruistic like Hiro – I don’t want a superpower to “help people” or “Save the World” or realize my “Destiny”. I want a superpower I can make money with. And I can’t come up with one of those.

The number one superpower most people mention is the ability to fly – the power Daniel Petrelli has in “Heroes”. But Daniel mentioned in one episode “What the hell good is flying? What am I going to do when I get somewhere else- I don’t have super strength or anything”. And he’s right. I mean, flying might be cool and all – but really, what good is it? You can’t make money at it. It’s not like you can offer flights to people for a fee. Without super strength you can only carry people half your size or so, and flying from one place to another takes time. You could make probably 2 trips a day to France, not a lot of money in that. And I’ll bet it gets really cold flying around. And since you can’t carry a lot you can’t even bring back stuff – like souvenirs. And think about it, going anywhere is going to cost money once you get there. Do you really want to go to Paris and not visit the Louvre? But that shit isn’t free – even if you did fly there.

Flying might be fun for a day or so – but after that it’s probably pretty boring. I mean, you don’t see birds waking up every day all excited because they can fly – they’re pretty much over it. So I think flying is right out.

How about the ability to be invisible? This one always stumps me, because where does the invisibility stop? Are your clothes visible, like in the “Invisible Man” – you know how he would wrap himself up in bandages so he would have “form”? Or do you have to be naked all the time to be really invisible? And what about things you touch? Are they visible? So if I go to a bank because I am invisible and steal all the money – is the money visible as I’m walking out the door with it? What about if I want to eat or drink a Diet coke? Is that visible and is the food now visible in my system as it goes into my stomach? Because that’s just fucking gross. And how do I make money with this superpower? You can’t steal if the stuff you are stealing is visible. I see no use in being invisible. If you combine it with flying, it might be cool for a day or two – you could fly to places and not have to worry about admission prices, because then you could just sneak in. But you’d never be able to take pictures of yourself in front of the Sphinx or anything. Since you’re invisible. Although being pregnant and invisible might be cool – if the baby wasn’t invisible. Although I don’t know how you’d get anyone to get you pregnant.

Then we have “invincibility” – like the cheerleader herself – Claire Bennett. Now, you would think that this would be a great superpower to have, but really how many times would you really use this superpower? I mean, if you have lots of situations where you are falling off of buildings or breaking bones or getting stabbed, well, you know, you probably have other issues. I just don’t think I would ever use it. It might be cool to be a “perpetual virgin”, because think about it, wouldn’t your hymen repair itself every time you have sex? But even in a Circus sideshow, I don’t think that would be a profitable gimmick. You could probably run around rescuing people from fires like Claire did, or maybe pull them out of police shootouts and stuff, but unless you also had the ability to fly, you’d pretty much have to live in NYC or Detroit or LA to actually see a lot of action, and those places are expensive to live in, so someone would have to be paying you quite a bit to do it. You notice Batman was independently wealthy – that was for a reason. People really don’t pay you for saving them. And they expect you to do it all the time once you start doing it, or else they get pissed. People are selfish like that.

Matt Parkman on “Heroes” can read people’s minds. No thank you. I don’t want to read anyone’s mind. That’s asking for trouble. Matt is finding out that when it comes to people close to you, you can find out things you really don’t want to know. He found out his wife was fucking around on him. And his best friend really didn’t like him – he was the one doing Matt’s wife. Some people are polite. They will say one thing to your face while they are thinking something entirely different. Paul would be shocked if he could read my mind and find out how many times I’m sitting there smiling at him and nodding my head while I’m really thinking “Fuck – you’re a dumbass!” And I don’t *even* want to know how many times he’s doing the same thing with me. Some things are better left unsaid. And how can you make money with that power anyway? It might be good for bar bets, “Hey – I’ll bet you $5.00 I can read your mind!” But most people would just say “No, that’s not what I’m thinking.” And really, how are you going to prove it?

Painting the future? Well, I don’t see a lot of income potential in that – how are you going to convince anyone you painted the future? And if it’s as much trouble as it is on “Heroes” to even find out what the hell you’ve painted – well, that just seems like a lot of work. A mirror image to do all your dirty work? That only seems to be any use if you have no self esteem and backbone to do your dirty work yourself – I pretty much say and do what I want, so I don’t need a nastier version of me – a nicer version of me would seem to be more useful most of the time.

I’m thinking this superpower thing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be – there isn’t a superpower that would be profitable enough to make me a bunch of money and not end up getting me into trouble. Or maybe I’m over thinking the whole thing – hey! Maybe that’s my hidden power and I really am “on the list” – maybe I have a really enhanced sense of logic and critical thinking. But I doubt it. If that was true I could think of a really good argument to convince Paul that a kitchen sink is a really good thing to have.